Christmas

I really hate it when people act like they know me better than I do. Like seriously, "no, you wouldn't". I just said I would so I fucking would okay?!

Gah. Christmas is meant to be a happy time, but all it does is make me depressed. Especially since I'm the middle child, who also happens to be an adult with a birthday in a couple of weeks so I get shit all, whereas everyone else gets tons of expensive stuff. The most exciting things I got today were shoes and wellies. Like seriously? I spent £8 and got myself a better freaking present. I realise this makes me sound ungrateful and spoilt but when you factor in the fact that my brother aka the kid who brakes things simply by looking at them, got an ipad mini, it seems just a teensy bit unfair.

Idk, I don't want to sound ungrateful, it just seems like I matter less sometimes. And then there was the part when my mum spoilt Doctor Who for me. I've been waiting for this episode for months, I missed the beginning, you weren't even watching it, couldn't you have turned the damn tv over when I said I can't watch it yet because I missed the beginning.

I sound like a whiny bitch, but I guess the little things just get to me at this time of year. I guess it doesn't help that I had such a good day on Thursday since the higher you go, the further you have to fall. But at least I am safe in the knowledge that I am going to see Alex Goot in March. Even if I can't insure my car or something, I will find a way to get there. I am going to this concert. Just like I am going to the John/Hank Green event in February, no matter where it ends up being, I AM GOING.

2013 is going to be my year. It just has to be.

Reading

Today I was reading and it suddenly struck me how much a book can effect your life, I mean, I always knew they could change you but I found myself reading things that I myself have said. Said without knowing I had essentially stolen them from a book. I just find that incredibly interesting.

Self Esteem

I've had a bit of a self esteem boost this week, which is nice. I got a distinction in my research essay, which I'm really proud of, it's nice to feel like you're doing something right for a change. And today Faye told me I have writing skills, which I never considered to be true, I mean, I've never written anything worthwhile, and whenever I try I always think it sounds stupid. For example, the review I wrote in class today, when I read it it sounded ridiculous, but she seemed to really like it. Maybe I really am my worst critic, and maybe that's why I'm so afraid to create things.

I mean, when you think about it, I should be good at writing. The amount I read can attest to that, you read so much you're gonna pick stuff up right? I dunno, I've just always felt like a creative failure so it's nice to be told that I'm not.

Reading

"But I think what happens when you read a book—ideally, anyway—is much more complicated and beautiful and collaborative. My intent as an author matters some, but you as the reader get some agency, too. You get to discover meaning within the story, and sometimes the meaning you discover will be meaning I hoped you would discover, and sometimes it will be meaning I could never have imagined you discovering. But together, we get to build something that matters to you (hopefully), and that brings you pleasure and consolation and a feeling of unaloneness that you can never get from merely listening."
- John Green

THIS is why I love reading. Just this.

I am not comfortable with this.

Exhaustion

I feel like my life has become one huge blur of pure exhaustion. It's actually gotten to the point where no amount of sleep helps, and I actually can't function properly. Basically, what I'm trying to say is, I need a holiday. Seriously. Nothing would give me greater joy than a break from being me.

Today was a strange day. That's all I can really say about it. Right now I'm meant to be writing a proposal for a project that I'm not even a little bit interested in. Anything else I would be happy with, but news? Really? You're going to make me listen to the sound of my own voice for the next three weeks? I'm good thanks. I hate the sound of my own voice. And I really hate being on camera. It makes me feel even more awkward than life in general.

I realised something about myself today. I don't follow normal patterns of friendship, and I only realised this because what is currently happening has happened before. It's like a really bizzare deja vu, because the people are different, but the situation is basically the same. I befriend people because of who they are, not what social group they hang around in, and through this I get stuck between two groups, which is no problem for me, but is a problem for the two groups who dislike each other. In the past, I was forced to choose, it was a really awkward situation and I made a choice. I have regretted the choice I made ever since. I don't want to be in that situation again. It's not fair. Why can't people just like each other? I get that everyone is different and everything, people like different things, but why am I so strange? I don't fit in anywhere. Literally nowhere.

I guess over the years I have come to terms with that fact. I am not normal. I know this, that's fine, whatever, I am who I am. But sometimes it makes me feel so alone. I don't know. I really don't.


I've been really terrible at blogging lately, I guess I'm just finding it hard to put my feelings into words, probably because a lot of the time I just don't understand them. Which sounds stupid, surely I should know how I feel and why I feel that way right? Well apparently not.


It's even harder to wrap my head around all that is happening because I am just so tired. ALL the time. I just want to get in bed and not get up for a really long time. That would be so great.


But alas, we can't always get what we want. Now to attempt this damn proposal. I don't even know how to start it.

Wisdom

"Pick a dead end and chill out until you die." Homer Simpson is sometimes so very wise.


  This week has been really long. I am exhausted, and it sucks that I know it's not over yet. Oh well, one more day. Sunday is going to be for sleeping.


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Again, only got so far before succumbing to exhaustion. This only having one day off a week is actually killing me. I feel like all I have time for is work and sleep. I don't have time for eating, and lets be honest, I don't even have much time for sleeping. 12 hours of sleep on a Saturday night and I still feel like I've been awake for at least a month.

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I DID IT TWICE. IN THE SAME POST. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?

I am not even going to try anymore.

Jason

Jason is actually going to cut a bitch. We are so close to making him full on snap. I'd feel bad if he wasn't such a douche.

Sucker

So I am still no clearer on things today. I guess I'd just like to understand why. Why now and why me. But you can't just ask someone that. Because they'll immediately assume you're telling them to piss off. Which is not what I want to do. I just want to understand.

Is that too much to ask?

ANYWAY enough of that now. I need to think about something else. It would be nice to be able to get some sleep tonight.

I can't even begin to talk about all of the stuff that's happened today, which in hindsight, isn't actually that much, but it still feels like a lot. My brain feels like it has turned to mush. I just need a day off. I mean, don't get me wrong, I like college and all, but I do need a day off. And Jason's lessons are completely pointless because he doesn't actually teach us anything ever. He just gives us lectures on motivation and then sends us off to film without telling us what to film, why we're filming it, or the proper technique for it. At least Andy is actually teaching us stuff that is useful to our project. I feel like he knows Jason is not helping us so he's doing what Jason should be doing and letting Jason do whatever the fuck he wants because he's leaving soon, so it's like we can just ignore all the stuff he's asking us to do. And because of this reason I don't see the point in spending so much money to get to college for a completely pointless lesson. I hope he leaves soon. And Faye's lesson is pretty much just working independently. So basically this is just a justification for why I am giving myself a day off tomorrow.

So apparently I'm a sucker for punishment. WHAT AM I DOING? I SHOULD JUST GO TO BED AND STAY THERE FOREVER.

What is my life?

I'm in a strange mood today, and I feel like I want to talk about it with you. I know I haven't talked about my first day at work but we'll get to that later. Right now I just want to talk about my mind.

It's funny because I wrote that and now I have no idea where to start. I guess I should start by saying, this is a mood I experience quite a lot. Usually on a Sunday, when I have time to stop and digest things. Which sounds odd, but I feel like I never stop moving. So it's nice to sit back and think about things every once in a while.

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That is what I wrote yesterday, I never did quite get around to finishing it because I find it very difficult to put my feelings into words sometimes.

Like seriously, dude I've not seen or heard from in 3 years suddenly strikes up a conversation, WHAT IS THAT?!  This is the hardest conversation I've had in a long time, I don't usually have to think about what I'm going to say, before saying it.

Well. Today has been an interesting day to say the least. Very enlightening. Like all I can think of to say right now is

KSJHFBNILRJKNSGLISUERHANAIJBGIRVALO;RLKVLIA

and

WHY NOW? WHY NOT THREE YEARS AGO JOE? GAH.


I am not equipped to process this.

In other news, today Alex told me he's bi, I never knew this. He also told me that Sam asked him how to talk to girls cause he does it so easily and so he said "It's easy because I get instantly friendzoned". Which made me laugh so hard, mostly because it's true. Sad, but true.

Okay so I've been talking to Joe for about 4 hours now. He just went. And I still don't know where the fuck it came from. And why he picked me to talk to. I mean seriously, he basically ditched me for my best friend, who didn't turn out to be a great friend, I mean I was pretty pissed at her, considering she knew I liked him, and you know, the fact that he was MY friend. I guess I'm still a bit pissed about that. I probably should be over it by now but whatever, I haven't spoken to her since. And it's like, he's talking to me, and telling me he made a huge mistake, and that he picked the wrong Sophie, and it's just like, yeah that's great. Would've been good to know three years ago, you know what I mean? And he had the nerve to be pissed at me for not talking to him. What was there to say? "Hey apparently you like my friend more than you like me. Awesome." Y'know? And the fact that neither of them even bothered to tell me. I had to find out about it when they started kissing in front of me. I think I had a right to be pissed at both of them. Of course I could never say that to him, because well, it's been years, and I shouldn't still be hung up on it, I mean who holds a grudge that long?

I'm beginning to discover that I do.

I don't know, I guess talking to him again is bringing it all back. But why is he talking to me? And why does it seem like he's flirting? When he has a girlfriend? Ugh I JUST DON'T KNOW ANYMORE.

And apparently I'm meeting up with him next week. So that will be nice and not awkward at all.


Just.

What is my life? Seriously.

Smart

Up till 1 the day before your first proper day at work. Smart move Sophie. Smart move.

Training

So today is my induction day at work, and I start properly tomorrow. The day started off well, of course, with a flat tyre. Just what you need when you want to make a good impression by being on time. Luckily I have a complex which makes me leave at least half an hour of pointless time to make sure I'm not late. I really hate being late for things.

So I already knew, at 7.45 this morning, that this day was going to be fantastic </sarcasm>. And so far it is. I've spent my morning watching stupid training videos and filling in questionnaires and whatnot, all stuck in the same room, just generally wanting to kill myself just to have something else to do. Which is nice, obviously. Luckily the woman conducting my training is really nice and is trying to make it more interesting.

At the moment, we're taking a lunch break, which for me consists of a can of lemonade, because I'm still not hungry because of a bug I'm still getting over. I am however freezing my ass off today, it's so freaking cold. And I'm also ridiculously tired because I had a supremely shit nights sleep, as I always do before doing something out of the ordinary, and I'll probably have a shit night's sleep tonight too knowing my luck.

So mostly my day is passing in a haze of exhaustion, and I just hope that I'm not stuck here forever today, and that when I get to my car my tyre will still have air in it, because if it doesn't I'm pretty much fucked. I really rely on my car being functional every day, and I won't be able to cope without it.

I'm going to have to end this here, because I have to resume my training soon, I may write more later, but probably won't.

Dork

So today has been the longest day ever. It literally feels like it will never end. It started with a nice lecture from Jason. Jason's lectures are always told as if they will serve as motivation. However, all the do is kill all of my motivation because I've had to sit there listening to him drone on when I need to be doing my work. So as you can see, it began well.

We then spent a couple of hours filming with Laurence-on-acid (aka Andrew). And so editing began. This is the part when I started to get annoyed with Andrew, because I was trying to teach him how to use the software and he was just failing epically* at it so I'll probably end up taking over when we do it next week, because I can't afford to fail this course because of someone else's ineptitude.

This afternoon, I napped for a couple of hours, which was nice, because I am beyond exhausted and I start work tomorrow, so it's not like I even have time to catch up on my sleep.

So today I also did something that felt really odd, and is horrendously lame, and just made me feel like a gigantic dork. I sent some fan mail. Don't judge me! It was awkward and awful and I just felt so ridiculous to be doing it, it's not something I've ever done before, but today I did. And though it was terrible, I'm still glad I did it.

I should really have showered by now. I'm only going to end up having to get up earlier so I can do it in the morning, but I genuinely cannot summon up the energy to shower, it means getting up and stuff, and I am just too exhausted to even consider moving.

*I know that's the correct spelling for it, but it just doesn't look right, but then, neither does epicly.
You win some you lose some.

I don't know

So I went back to college yesterday, and it felt kind of pointless to be honest. Today was better in terms of actually feeling like maybe i've learnt something. But I've been feeling kind of weary and not really in a very talky mood. Or even a very listeny mood to be honest.

I hate this time of year, it's just so tiring and depressing and just plain cold. And this time last year was pretty bad for me and I'm kind of scared that all the progress I've been making is just slipping away. I'm withdrawing back into myself and I know I shouldn't but I can't help it.

It just sucks. It doesn't help that this is already the longest week ever and I know I have four more days of it before I can relax, because I start my job on Friday, so Sunday is my only day off, which I can see being really depressing. But I really need a job so I can afford to chase my dreams, which is seeming more unreachable than ever.

I guess I'm just feeling kind of down at the moment and am clinging to my smile for dear life.

Colds

So today I got a full blown cold. There was no build up, it just slapped me in the face this morning when I began sneezing uncontrollably. It has steadily worsened over the day, and I'm now in my bed feeling sorry for myself.

I took some cold and flu tablets and I feel marginally better in that I no longer have a tap in the middle of my face. Now my nose is simply the most attractive shade of red, and is extremely sore, so that's nice.

But Alex Goot is making me feel better because his songs are just amazeballs.

Not much has been happening in my life to blog about. I had a beautiful day of sleep yesterday as Josh went out for the day with one of his friends. And today simply feels like Sunday, I'm still not convinced it's Saturday but I'll take the extra day off. Hopefully I will have recovered somewhat before college on Monday.

I'm still not used to the popularity thing, now when I post things on facebook I actually get likes, it's very strange. I am used to being a nobody in all aspects of my life. It's going to take me a while to figure it out I think.

Also, that day long daydream has turned into a multi-day daydream which is nice. SPEAKING OF DREAMS, I had a super weird one last night, and it had people I've not seen in years in it. It ended with a bunch of old friends turning up at my house with Darren Criss in tow, and I was like lolwtf, then I woke up and was just like DANG IT WAS JUST GETTING INTERESTING. My mind is a very strange place. I'm going to stop talking now.

Bye.

Arguing

Today I spent a lot of time yelling at my brother. But the inbetween parts were actually quite nice.

I didn't actually do much today, most of the day was most definitely spent on daydreaming. I love a good daydream. It just puts me in the best mood, despite knowing the events will never happen. I'm a big fan of the all day daydream, cause you can make them super detailed and awesome.

If that made me sound weird, I don't care, it's awesome.

Alex Goot

So today I am having a day that is the complete polar opposite of yesterday, when I spent the entire day running around like a blue-arsed fly. Today I have done nothing but watch Alex Goot videos.

It's been the best day ever.

He's so talented. I could listen to him sing all day. And thus far have been doing exactly that.

I wish he would tour over here so I could go see him perform, because that would be great.

My dad is pissed at me. I realise I have done nothing helpful today. But the point of Josh having his mates over was that it was dad's idea, and he had to deal with them. And I know I should have offered help with something, but it's like I get no recognition for the things I do. For example, yesterday, I cleaned the entire house ready for Josh's sleepover, dad came home early and did he help? Nope. Did he thank me? That'd be a big fat nope too. So yeah, my bad for having a day off during half term. Sorry.

I've been talking about how I bottle up my feelings to Alex today. And I realised something. I don't just bottle up the normal emotions like anger, hostility etc. But I actually bottle up pretty much every emotion. I think I do this because if I didn't, and just went around being myself. People would be unbearable to be around. Which sounds absolutely ridiculous, because I'm not like a hermit or anything, I just haven't come across a lot of people who don't get on my nerves/could take my crazy. I dunno, maybe I'm just destined to be alone.

This got really depressing over the course of the 3 or so hours that I've been writing it.

Just know that it was really nice to have a day off, while it lasted. And that I love Alex Goot.

Bad

I'm really bad at this blogging thing, I keep getting distracted and forgetting to blog. Not to mention all the blogging I've been doing on my phone because I'm too lazy to load up a computer.

My current excuse is that it's half term so I have nothing to talk about. While that was true yesterday, it's not true today. Today I wish to strangle my brother, don't get me wrong, I love him to bits, but he's so freaking spoilt, like full on brat, he doesn't seem to think it's fair that we cannot afford to get him everything in the universe. He also seems to think that me looking after him means I am his personal slave, and not a favour to his parents who have to go to work.

Just because his mother is overprotective and thus continues to pick up after him and such, despite his age, so he never learned to look after himself! Which is super annoying, and I try to teach him to pick shit up but then his mum comes home and he's back to leaving everything everywhere. Seriously pisses me off.

Weekends

The weekend is, clichéd as it is, my favourite time of the week. It's the only time I can get away with doing absolutely nothing, and it truly is a religous experience of sorts.

So that is what I've done today, a giant fuck all. And it's been beautiful.

Day off

I know what I said about blogging everyday but yesterday I had a day off from everything. I seriously needed it cause I was just exhausted.

I really enjoyed my day off - in bed till noon, then reading all day. I literally read 4 books yesterday, it was freaking great.

The only problem yesterday was trying to get to sleep again, must've been 2 when I finally got to sleep, which doesn't sound late compared to what I used to do, but in my old age of 21, it's very rare for me to stay up past midnight.

In other news, Alex totally has a crush on me and it's super icky, I mean, don't get me wrong, he's great, makes me laugh, fun to talk to but just NO. He's 16 and even if he were my age, just no. And I don't know what to say when he starts flirting with me, cause like, I've been on that side of it, I've had crushes on friends and all that. But being on this side of it makes me feel bad for all of those friends. How can he not understand how creepy it is! and that I just want to be his friend! Is that so much to ask?

Ohwell on to today! Today I had a job interview at Tesco, and it was really weird cause they basically just made me do an hours work, but it was quite fun! And now I have a job on the cigarette counter, and the other people are really nice so I'm happy about that, and about finally having a job. I have an induction day on the 2nd November and then I'm in, every Friday and Saturday so thats good, I need moneys in the bank lol, and hopefully now I'll stop being moaned at for not having a job cause I've got one! and I still get Sundays off which is nice, and it's half term so I'm super happy right now :D.

Add in the fact that it's Friday and we're on to a winner.

Wednesday

Today it is wednesday and I am completely exhausted. So glad it's half term next week, even if I have to babysit Josh, I need some sleep!

I'm literally way too tired to talk about my day so I'm gonna leave this here. Just wanted to update because I have done every day so far.

College

Today they're doing progress reviews at college, where they assess you and decide if you should stay on the course or not, and it's somewhat ridiculous. They implied that crap people would be kicked off, yet they've kept everyone, what is up with that?

They also told me our short film was crap, but it was really good! So I'm a bit annoyed about it, I mean we were the only group with an idea that was different. Ohwell whatever, I'm staying on the course.

I'm currently sat on the floor outside the classroom waiting for Emily to have her progress review so I can go home, and we're being stalked by Laurence which I don't particularly like because he's just super creepy.

Before my progress review I was in a good mood, Alex walked face first into a door and I laughed so hard I almost peed myself. We also got shouted at by a bunch of "hard" ten year olds which was just hilarious, they were all like "I'm gonna bang ya, I'll hit you with my scooter cause I'm so fucking hard" hilarious.

Also it's dancing Tuesday, just throwing that one out there, it is a day for dancing lots and in public, and this is not just me, I've seen people randomly dancing in the street lots.

I don't know what else to say, except that I can't wait till I get home cause I want to go to bed. Yes.

Pointlessness

Today has been a quite pointless day really. Went to college for one lesson, travelling an hour to get there only to find a note on the classroom door telling us to go home. So that was fun.

It just seems like when I asked if we had to come in for regular classes this week, Andy could have mentioned the disruption to his and Michelle's classes so I wouldn't have bothered going in at all, saving me both time and money.

Instead I spent the afternoon dyeing Emily's hair and wrestling with the dog, because that's how exciting my life is :P. It was funny though, she totally looked like her scalp was bleeding.

In other news, it's been over a month now and I'm still not used to having friends. It's like, there are these people that like me and want attention and stuff. What is up with that?! :P, I used to only have one friend at a time, much easier to keep track.

To conclude this blog, I would like to reiterate the fact that today college was pointless.

Reflections

So today I spent most of my day in my room. Well the parts when I wasn't moving wardrobes, helping my brother with his homework, cleaning up dog sick, putting the dishes in the dishwasher etc.

I realise this is not what I usually write like but sometimes I like to talk about the places my mind goes.

So anyway, I spent a lot of time alone, and usually when this happens I think about quite a lot of stuff.

Today my thoughts went down the path of crazy and how different people react to it, and stuff like that. And it just made me think of how few people in life you show the crazy to. I mean, it's quite embarrassing when your crazy shows to someone new.

I don't know what exactly it is I'm trying to say with this. I guess I just think it's interesting who you choose to show your crazy to, and who you choose to hide it from.

Today

Don't get excited or anything, today is Sunday and I have plans to do absolutely nothing all day. Well, that's not strictly true. I do have plans to put petrol in my car since it's currently running on vapours and has been since Thursday.

Yesterday was a strange day for me. I went slightly mental somewhere in the middle, I will admit to that, but that's what happens when you try and get me to do work. I really don't like doing work when I know I have ages to do it. There's just no motivation for me, so I begin to procrastinate, and for that I need enablers.

The day also ended on a strange note, I think at one point I was having a heart to heart with Alex. This was completely unprovoked, he just began telling me things I really didn't need to know.

I just took a break from writing this and looked at a bunch of insane halloween costumes. I want my eyes back please.

THIS ONE IS MY FAVOURITE.

LOOK AT THE PAIN IN HIS EYES.

Consuela

This is Consuela.

Cheeseburgers

The title of this post is Cheeseburgers purely because I wanted to call it Cheeseburgers, not because I have anything to say about them.

I am meant to be writing a report on research and presentation skills but it's very boring so what I am really doing is going on tumblr and looking at pictures of sexy men. My friend Emily is here too. She is not currently aware that this is what I am doing. Shh.

In other news, my other friend Megan texted me to tell me that she got a paper cut on her crotch. Which is a very creepy thing to tell your friend, in my opinion.

I am literally just telling you random facts about my day because Alex is ignoring me, and how the hell am I meant to procrastinate with no one to talk to? I have to at least LOOK like I'm doing work with lots of typing and whatnot. Gah some people are so unhelpful in my plight to leave all work until the last minute. It's like they don't understand that doing work is boring.

Emily just showed me a picture of her friend's pet who is very creepy looking, it looks like a cartoon, not something you would keep in a fish tank. Very strange. It's name is apparently Consuela, which took me an inordinate amount of time to spell correctly. People should name their pets names that other people can spell so they can blog about them. How inconsiderate XD. Although, quick update, my initial spelling was correct, so go me!

Emily has said Consuela so many times it no longer has any meaning.

Anyway. Yes. I have no more to say as we are still stuck on the subject of Consuela. So for now, I wish you a good day!

Procrastination

I literally started this blog purely because I ran out of ways to procrastinate from my college work.

Now I need another way to procrastinate from blogging.

Laters.