Recovery

Today is the first time in a long time that I've looked at myself and felt happy. Which sounds stupid but I feel like today is the day that marks the end of my depression. Well, if not the end then at least the point in which it stopped ruling over my life. Arguably since I stopped taking my antidepressants about six months ago that was it, but to me it's today.

It's today because today I feel content. I made it through the Christmas period, when the days got short and it got cold (it's still cold but it matters less when you have more daylight. I don't know why it just does.) and that has always been the hardest time of year for me. The reason today is different from yesterday is a simple one I suppose. Today is the day that I started decorating my bedroom. This may not seem like a big deal, but I could never bring myself to do it before, and to me this is a huge sign that I have changed. And when I think about it, I have changed. I grew up. I don't know when it happened but it did, and events of this past weekend have proved that to me.

While in the same situation many years ago, I reacted very differently, and it took a lot longer for me to get over. As it is today, I am over it. I really am. It's no longer a big deal to me and I've got to tell you, it feels good that it's not a big deal. It feels good that I can be perfectly content with who I am for the first time in my life. That is the greatest feeling. I feel completely free.

So I started to decorate my room, I'm making myself at home in a room that has felt like a guest room since I moved into it over a year ago. And I'm making progress and that makes me happy.

John Green

"Back in October, Laurie Halse Anderson, the author of the iconic Y.A. novel Speak, told me of John Green, "I just love him and have such respect for how he’s made the world safe for a lot of kids to be who they are. It took me to age 35 to be who I was; if I were 15 now, John would save me years of angst. He is a holy man.""

This quote sums up how I feel about John Green perfectly. He made it okay for me to be who I am and I will forever be grateful to him for that. It's given me a whole new perspective on life and the ability to actually enjoy things. This is what I want for everyone. I want people to feel safe being who they are, to not worry about what other people think and to just BE, but unfortunately I lack the power and articulacy to be able to help people feel this way. And so I leave it to John, who has already achieved so much, to show people that being who you are is great, and not scary at all, and I only hope that as he grows in popularity (which he is doing because he's amazing) the world will slowly learn this and maybe we can all live in a better place. Together.

New Year

Today is January 1st 2013, which means it's 10 days until my 22nd birthday. I feel old. I had a quiet new year in with the family and it was nice. I actually enjoyed it.

I'm finding it really hard to write this blog post because I really have no idea what to say. Lots has happened since I last properly updated and I just don't know where to start anymore. It doesn't really help that I'm not in a writing mood, which is unfortunate since I need to write my treatment for my script over the next two days.

I keep thinking it's Wednesday which is throwing me off somewhat. Holidays always throw off my days. I thought maybe having work every Friday and Saturday would help me keep track but it didn't. And then I worked on Sunday which just made it all worse.

I need to ring my insurance company tomorrow as well, to cancel my insurance so I can get it cheaper elsewhere, cause I really gotta get it as cheap as possible cause I am so poor it's not even funny. And I really can't cope without my car. I may not have had it long but it's become a key staple in my life. I love my car. So much that in November I shelled out £97, that I didn't have, in order to fix it when it broke down. I love that car. And it is essential for my plans this year. I do love a good roadtrip.

My roadtrip to Edinburgh this year was so fun. I was driving for five hours, and it just didn't even feel that long, because it was fun and we had good music, and beautiful scenery, and cows, and the knowledge that we were about to have a shit ton of fun. Which is what I'm looking forward to most this year. Driving up to Manchester knowing I'm about to have a shit ton of fun. Because I really need that. I think I deserve something nice.

It's now January 2nd, which means 9 days until my 22nd birthday. And I still feel old. I'm going to be working on my birthday, which is just incredibly depressing. Not that I ever celebrate my birthday. I think the last time I had a birthday party was when I was five. (We played pin the tail on the donkey, it was kind of awesome). But still, it would be nice to relax on my birthday. Oh well, at least it'll be payday.

I treated myself to several books this week. And by several I mean seven. And then proceeded to read three of them. I am currently on book number four, which I am taking longer with because the exhaustion has gotten the better of me. And I no longer have the energy to sit up until 3am reading, she says sat here at midnight typing a blog post.

So basically, this is a blog post about nothingness, and all I have left to say is Happy New Year. It's going to be a good one (I hope).

Christmas

I really hate it when people act like they know me better than I do. Like seriously, "no, you wouldn't". I just said I would so I fucking would okay?!

Gah. Christmas is meant to be a happy time, but all it does is make me depressed. Especially since I'm the middle child, who also happens to be an adult with a birthday in a couple of weeks so I get shit all, whereas everyone else gets tons of expensive stuff. The most exciting things I got today were shoes and wellies. Like seriously? I spent £8 and got myself a better freaking present. I realise this makes me sound ungrateful and spoilt but when you factor in the fact that my brother aka the kid who brakes things simply by looking at them, got an ipad mini, it seems just a teensy bit unfair.

Idk, I don't want to sound ungrateful, it just seems like I matter less sometimes. And then there was the part when my mum spoilt Doctor Who for me. I've been waiting for this episode for months, I missed the beginning, you weren't even watching it, couldn't you have turned the damn tv over when I said I can't watch it yet because I missed the beginning.

I sound like a whiny bitch, but I guess the little things just get to me at this time of year. I guess it doesn't help that I had such a good day on Thursday since the higher you go, the further you have to fall. But at least I am safe in the knowledge that I am going to see Alex Goot in March. Even if I can't insure my car or something, I will find a way to get there. I am going to this concert. Just like I am going to the John/Hank Green event in February, no matter where it ends up being, I AM GOING.

2013 is going to be my year. It just has to be.

Reading

Today I was reading and it suddenly struck me how much a book can effect your life, I mean, I always knew they could change you but I found myself reading things that I myself have said. Said without knowing I had essentially stolen them from a book. I just find that incredibly interesting.

Self Esteem

I've had a bit of a self esteem boost this week, which is nice. I got a distinction in my research essay, which I'm really proud of, it's nice to feel like you're doing something right for a change. And today Faye told me I have writing skills, which I never considered to be true, I mean, I've never written anything worthwhile, and whenever I try I always think it sounds stupid. For example, the review I wrote in class today, when I read it it sounded ridiculous, but she seemed to really like it. Maybe I really am my worst critic, and maybe that's why I'm so afraid to create things.

I mean, when you think about it, I should be good at writing. The amount I read can attest to that, you read so much you're gonna pick stuff up right? I dunno, I've just always felt like a creative failure so it's nice to be told that I'm not.

Reading

"But I think what happens when you read a book—ideally, anyway—is much more complicated and beautiful and collaborative. My intent as an author matters some, but you as the reader get some agency, too. You get to discover meaning within the story, and sometimes the meaning you discover will be meaning I hoped you would discover, and sometimes it will be meaning I could never have imagined you discovering. But together, we get to build something that matters to you (hopefully), and that brings you pleasure and consolation and a feeling of unaloneness that you can never get from merely listening."
- John Green

THIS is why I love reading. Just this.