Self Esteem

I've had a bit of a self esteem boost this week, which is nice. I got a distinction in my research essay, which I'm really proud of, it's nice to feel like you're doing something right for a change. And today Faye told me I have writing skills, which I never considered to be true, I mean, I've never written anything worthwhile, and whenever I try I always think it sounds stupid. For example, the review I wrote in class today, when I read it it sounded ridiculous, but she seemed to really like it. Maybe I really am my worst critic, and maybe that's why I'm so afraid to create things.

I mean, when you think about it, I should be good at writing. The amount I read can attest to that, you read so much you're gonna pick stuff up right? I dunno, I've just always felt like a creative failure so it's nice to be told that I'm not.

Reading

"But I think what happens when you read a book—ideally, anyway—is much more complicated and beautiful and collaborative. My intent as an author matters some, but you as the reader get some agency, too. You get to discover meaning within the story, and sometimes the meaning you discover will be meaning I hoped you would discover, and sometimes it will be meaning I could never have imagined you discovering. But together, we get to build something that matters to you (hopefully), and that brings you pleasure and consolation and a feeling of unaloneness that you can never get from merely listening."
- John Green

THIS is why I love reading. Just this.

I am not comfortable with this.

Exhaustion

I feel like my life has become one huge blur of pure exhaustion. It's actually gotten to the point where no amount of sleep helps, and I actually can't function properly. Basically, what I'm trying to say is, I need a holiday. Seriously. Nothing would give me greater joy than a break from being me.

Today was a strange day. That's all I can really say about it. Right now I'm meant to be writing a proposal for a project that I'm not even a little bit interested in. Anything else I would be happy with, but news? Really? You're going to make me listen to the sound of my own voice for the next three weeks? I'm good thanks. I hate the sound of my own voice. And I really hate being on camera. It makes me feel even more awkward than life in general.

I realised something about myself today. I don't follow normal patterns of friendship, and I only realised this because what is currently happening has happened before. It's like a really bizzare deja vu, because the people are different, but the situation is basically the same. I befriend people because of who they are, not what social group they hang around in, and through this I get stuck between two groups, which is no problem for me, but is a problem for the two groups who dislike each other. In the past, I was forced to choose, it was a really awkward situation and I made a choice. I have regretted the choice I made ever since. I don't want to be in that situation again. It's not fair. Why can't people just like each other? I get that everyone is different and everything, people like different things, but why am I so strange? I don't fit in anywhere. Literally nowhere.

I guess over the years I have come to terms with that fact. I am not normal. I know this, that's fine, whatever, I am who I am. But sometimes it makes me feel so alone. I don't know. I really don't.


I've been really terrible at blogging lately, I guess I'm just finding it hard to put my feelings into words, probably because a lot of the time I just don't understand them. Which sounds stupid, surely I should know how I feel and why I feel that way right? Well apparently not.


It's even harder to wrap my head around all that is happening because I am just so tired. ALL the time. I just want to get in bed and not get up for a really long time. That would be so great.


But alas, we can't always get what we want. Now to attempt this damn proposal. I don't even know how to start it.

Wisdom

"Pick a dead end and chill out until you die." Homer Simpson is sometimes so very wise.


  This week has been really long. I am exhausted, and it sucks that I know it's not over yet. Oh well, one more day. Sunday is going to be for sleeping.


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Again, only got so far before succumbing to exhaustion. This only having one day off a week is actually killing me. I feel like all I have time for is work and sleep. I don't have time for eating, and lets be honest, I don't even have much time for sleeping. 12 hours of sleep on a Saturday night and I still feel like I've been awake for at least a month.

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I DID IT TWICE. IN THE SAME POST. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?

I am not even going to try anymore.

Jason

Jason is actually going to cut a bitch. We are so close to making him full on snap. I'd feel bad if he wasn't such a douche.

Sucker

So I am still no clearer on things today. I guess I'd just like to understand why. Why now and why me. But you can't just ask someone that. Because they'll immediately assume you're telling them to piss off. Which is not what I want to do. I just want to understand.

Is that too much to ask?

ANYWAY enough of that now. I need to think about something else. It would be nice to be able to get some sleep tonight.

I can't even begin to talk about all of the stuff that's happened today, which in hindsight, isn't actually that much, but it still feels like a lot. My brain feels like it has turned to mush. I just need a day off. I mean, don't get me wrong, I like college and all, but I do need a day off. And Jason's lessons are completely pointless because he doesn't actually teach us anything ever. He just gives us lectures on motivation and then sends us off to film without telling us what to film, why we're filming it, or the proper technique for it. At least Andy is actually teaching us stuff that is useful to our project. I feel like he knows Jason is not helping us so he's doing what Jason should be doing and letting Jason do whatever the fuck he wants because he's leaving soon, so it's like we can just ignore all the stuff he's asking us to do. And because of this reason I don't see the point in spending so much money to get to college for a completely pointless lesson. I hope he leaves soon. And Faye's lesson is pretty much just working independently. So basically this is just a justification for why I am giving myself a day off tomorrow.

So apparently I'm a sucker for punishment. WHAT AM I DOING? I SHOULD JUST GO TO BED AND STAY THERE FOREVER.

What is my life?

I'm in a strange mood today, and I feel like I want to talk about it with you. I know I haven't talked about my first day at work but we'll get to that later. Right now I just want to talk about my mind.

It's funny because I wrote that and now I have no idea where to start. I guess I should start by saying, this is a mood I experience quite a lot. Usually on a Sunday, when I have time to stop and digest things. Which sounds odd, but I feel like I never stop moving. So it's nice to sit back and think about things every once in a while.

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That is what I wrote yesterday, I never did quite get around to finishing it because I find it very difficult to put my feelings into words sometimes.

Like seriously, dude I've not seen or heard from in 3 years suddenly strikes up a conversation, WHAT IS THAT?!  This is the hardest conversation I've had in a long time, I don't usually have to think about what I'm going to say, before saying it.

Well. Today has been an interesting day to say the least. Very enlightening. Like all I can think of to say right now is

KSJHFBNILRJKNSGLISUERHANAIJBGIRVALO;RLKVLIA

and

WHY NOW? WHY NOT THREE YEARS AGO JOE? GAH.


I am not equipped to process this.

In other news, today Alex told me he's bi, I never knew this. He also told me that Sam asked him how to talk to girls cause he does it so easily and so he said "It's easy because I get instantly friendzoned". Which made me laugh so hard, mostly because it's true. Sad, but true.

Okay so I've been talking to Joe for about 4 hours now. He just went. And I still don't know where the fuck it came from. And why he picked me to talk to. I mean seriously, he basically ditched me for my best friend, who didn't turn out to be a great friend, I mean I was pretty pissed at her, considering she knew I liked him, and you know, the fact that he was MY friend. I guess I'm still a bit pissed about that. I probably should be over it by now but whatever, I haven't spoken to her since. And it's like, he's talking to me, and telling me he made a huge mistake, and that he picked the wrong Sophie, and it's just like, yeah that's great. Would've been good to know three years ago, you know what I mean? And he had the nerve to be pissed at me for not talking to him. What was there to say? "Hey apparently you like my friend more than you like me. Awesome." Y'know? And the fact that neither of them even bothered to tell me. I had to find out about it when they started kissing in front of me. I think I had a right to be pissed at both of them. Of course I could never say that to him, because well, it's been years, and I shouldn't still be hung up on it, I mean who holds a grudge that long?

I'm beginning to discover that I do.

I don't know, I guess talking to him again is bringing it all back. But why is he talking to me? And why does it seem like he's flirting? When he has a girlfriend? Ugh I JUST DON'T KNOW ANYMORE.

And apparently I'm meeting up with him next week. So that will be nice and not awkward at all.


Just.

What is my life? Seriously.

Smart

Up till 1 the day before your first proper day at work. Smart move Sophie. Smart move.

Training

So today is my induction day at work, and I start properly tomorrow. The day started off well, of course, with a flat tyre. Just what you need when you want to make a good impression by being on time. Luckily I have a complex which makes me leave at least half an hour of pointless time to make sure I'm not late. I really hate being late for things.

So I already knew, at 7.45 this morning, that this day was going to be fantastic </sarcasm>. And so far it is. I've spent my morning watching stupid training videos and filling in questionnaires and whatnot, all stuck in the same room, just generally wanting to kill myself just to have something else to do. Which is nice, obviously. Luckily the woman conducting my training is really nice and is trying to make it more interesting.

At the moment, we're taking a lunch break, which for me consists of a can of lemonade, because I'm still not hungry because of a bug I'm still getting over. I am however freezing my ass off today, it's so freaking cold. And I'm also ridiculously tired because I had a supremely shit nights sleep, as I always do before doing something out of the ordinary, and I'll probably have a shit night's sleep tonight too knowing my luck.

So mostly my day is passing in a haze of exhaustion, and I just hope that I'm not stuck here forever today, and that when I get to my car my tyre will still have air in it, because if it doesn't I'm pretty much fucked. I really rely on my car being functional every day, and I won't be able to cope without it.

I'm going to have to end this here, because I have to resume my training soon, I may write more later, but probably won't.

Dork

So today has been the longest day ever. It literally feels like it will never end. It started with a nice lecture from Jason. Jason's lectures are always told as if they will serve as motivation. However, all the do is kill all of my motivation because I've had to sit there listening to him drone on when I need to be doing my work. So as you can see, it began well.

We then spent a couple of hours filming with Laurence-on-acid (aka Andrew). And so editing began. This is the part when I started to get annoyed with Andrew, because I was trying to teach him how to use the software and he was just failing epically* at it so I'll probably end up taking over when we do it next week, because I can't afford to fail this course because of someone else's ineptitude.

This afternoon, I napped for a couple of hours, which was nice, because I am beyond exhausted and I start work tomorrow, so it's not like I even have time to catch up on my sleep.

So today I also did something that felt really odd, and is horrendously lame, and just made me feel like a gigantic dork. I sent some fan mail. Don't judge me! It was awkward and awful and I just felt so ridiculous to be doing it, it's not something I've ever done before, but today I did. And though it was terrible, I'm still glad I did it.

I should really have showered by now. I'm only going to end up having to get up earlier so I can do it in the morning, but I genuinely cannot summon up the energy to shower, it means getting up and stuff, and I am just too exhausted to even consider moving.

*I know that's the correct spelling for it, but it just doesn't look right, but then, neither does epicly.
You win some you lose some.