Exhaustion

I feel like my life has become one huge blur of pure exhaustion. It's actually gotten to the point where no amount of sleep helps, and I actually can't function properly. Basically, what I'm trying to say is, I need a holiday. Seriously. Nothing would give me greater joy than a break from being me.

Today was a strange day. That's all I can really say about it. Right now I'm meant to be writing a proposal for a project that I'm not even a little bit interested in. Anything else I would be happy with, but news? Really? You're going to make me listen to the sound of my own voice for the next three weeks? I'm good thanks. I hate the sound of my own voice. And I really hate being on camera. It makes me feel even more awkward than life in general.

I realised something about myself today. I don't follow normal patterns of friendship, and I only realised this because what is currently happening has happened before. It's like a really bizzare deja vu, because the people are different, but the situation is basically the same. I befriend people because of who they are, not what social group they hang around in, and through this I get stuck between two groups, which is no problem for me, but is a problem for the two groups who dislike each other. In the past, I was forced to choose, it was a really awkward situation and I made a choice. I have regretted the choice I made ever since. I don't want to be in that situation again. It's not fair. Why can't people just like each other? I get that everyone is different and everything, people like different things, but why am I so strange? I don't fit in anywhere. Literally nowhere.

I guess over the years I have come to terms with that fact. I am not normal. I know this, that's fine, whatever, I am who I am. But sometimes it makes me feel so alone. I don't know. I really don't.


I've been really terrible at blogging lately, I guess I'm just finding it hard to put my feelings into words, probably because a lot of the time I just don't understand them. Which sounds stupid, surely I should know how I feel and why I feel that way right? Well apparently not.


It's even harder to wrap my head around all that is happening because I am just so tired. ALL the time. I just want to get in bed and not get up for a really long time. That would be so great.


But alas, we can't always get what we want. Now to attempt this damn proposal. I don't even know how to start it.